If someone says, "I've been thinking about this for a long time," ask them to think about it a bit longer!

Why do we find it necessary to do this to one another? How do we convince ourselves that this is somehow helpful to the other person?

I'm talking about the verbal slagging that some people find so easy to unload on someone else. The barrage of verbal grenades, bullets, sticks and stones that often begins with "This has been bothering me for a while now; I really need to make things right between us..."

Over the past few weeks I've witnessed a handful of these "I need to tell you something about yourself" encounters; actually, more accurately, I've witnessed one first-hand, and witnessed the impact of at least two others on the lives of their recipients/victims. And all of these have been set in the context of the church.

I've noticed some commonalities in these events:

• The "sharer" is convinced that his or her motives are noble, even Christ-like (and that he or she is innocent in their desire or need to say something);
  
• the concerns are often shared by "several others," "a number of us" who are always unnamed and un-numbered (interestingly, Wikipedia refers to these kinds of phrases as "weasel words," used to try to bolster the authority or significance or what's being said, but without actually offering any real support);
  
• what's being "shared" is a concern that has built up over time in the mind/heart of the "sharer";
  
• the intention is to critique some kind of behavior or activity in hopes of helping the recipient to grow, but most often the "sharing" ends up being an attack ad hominem and does nothing to affirm the value, dignity, motives or character of the victim;
  
• the parties involved have, at most, a superficial relationship - though they know each other, it is much more as acquaintances than as friends
• the person doing the sharing only knows part of the story behind their concern
• the end result is that the person who "shared their concern" feels like the other person is "unresponsive," "hard-hearted," "unwilling to change," defensive," "misunderstood my motives"...
• the person receiving the barrage feels shat upon
• and finally, the only thing that changes is the relationship between the two individuals -- what little there was declines to even less.

What is missing in these exchanges? What makes them so destructive and so not redemptive? If we are sharing the truth with one another, isn't that enough?

For certain, one element that is missing is love. I don't mean the generic "brotherly love" that we claim in default for our fellow Christ-follower. At best that is a kindly disposition towards someone we know from across the aisle; at worst, it is only an affinity based on our preferred brand of: theology, worship style, preaching, preacher, church location... It cannot, and should not, be called love. It allows two true injustices in the community we call church: the kind of dignity-shredding attack I'm talking about now, and the kind of soul-killing ambivalence we call "tolerance."

Love is genuine concern for another, over myself. It is true affection, and loyalty, and it causes me to rejoice or suffer with the joy or pain of the other. When love discloses a concern, it does so only as strongly as necessary and always as gently as possible. It weeps with every tear shed, it ferociously guards the other person's dignity, it assumes the worth and value of the person even while addressing the worst and most destructive of their behaviour. And it does address the worst and most destructive of their behaviour. It doesn't shrink back from a painful conversation. But love's goal is restoration: restoration of the relationship, restoration of fellowship, restoration of community.

We need to make room in the church for painful conversations; I need to make allowance in my life to hear painful comments. But we need to make them -- I need to hear them -- in the context of genuine relationship. If I'm not prepared for you to get angry at me for my comments, and then walk through that anger with you until we resolve things, if I don't take every measure to protect and honour you even as I speak to your weaknesses, faults and sins, then I better keep my mouth shut and my "concerns" to myself. Otherwise, what more am I than a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal?

When I first started thinking about this blog, I had the image in my mind of a monkey, at the zoo, flinging its own feces at passersby. In fact, my first thought was to title this entry "Crap flinging monkeys." Obviously, better judgment prevailed. But I can't get away from the image. It strikes me that we would look a whole lot less like crap flinging monkeys if we took the time to think through our criticisms and how best to share them with the ones we love and spent even more time thinking about how to love the ones we feel the need to criticize.